Good

I don't write in this blog enough, but it's nights like these that I really should.
Communication with Mr. Ma and Cathy has been a bit strange lately and I've prepared myself for getting fired in the near future because of it, but my relationship with Carina is improving every day.
She has become very affectionate and she sincerely tries to learn and remember what I teach her. She has also made a point of drawing out our time together, and where she used to try to push me out, she now welcomes me in. Tonight she invited me to come with her for a massage again after a nice class that we had this morning.

In the mornings, she stays in bed as long as she can, and so we now have class until 12:30 to make up for the lost half an hour that is spent during the slow wake up process. This is a fact that I don't think her father knows. I used to try discipline and "Sargent Sienna" tactics, but for the past month I've utilized this time for a sort of pre-class class, where I tell her stories like the one about the Lazy But Monster that lives under blankets and only attacks late in the mornings when young girls are their most lazy, and then bite them and paralyze them for life (during this story a beloved Teddy Bear with an Australian accent sacrificed himself to save her when the Lazy But Monster had a hold of her foot, but we managed to resuscitate him later) or I just talk to her and entertain her with very clear English in as many accents as I can muster until she's smiling too much to stay under the covers. She also tends to like a tickling fight if she protests for too long.

Another common routine is the hand massage. She is against talking early in the morning before her breakfast, but I can get a cool vibe with her by way of massage. She sticks her hand out of the blanket and shoots me a little smile from under the blanket and I make a big joke out of her being a princess and that she'll have to pay me for it with extra-spectacular English work. This has given us a lot of time for her to feel closer to me and sometimes I'm a bit taken aback by it. Often she tries to convince me to nap with her or will hold on to my hand and smile at me, awkwardly trying to find an excuse to continue hanging out with me. A big part of me is aware that this is a 12 year old girl who is very prone to lying and trying to finagle her way any way she can to suit her needs and so I often feel weary, and I'm still cautious, but at this point it's clear that this kid likes me. I think I've helped her. I hope it's true. If I have, then it's all been worth it, and I'm a bit proud of where we've come after all this time and effort.

More than anything, my class has been about being honest, not cheating or lying and being respectful to others (other than teaching English of course). She gets a kick out of calling other people stupid and ugly, especially when she feels she doesn't have the upper hand in a situation, and every time she does this, I remind her how unattractive and uncool that is. I don't force it or give her a lecture, I just let her see that I don't think it's awesome. Every once in a while, she calls someone stupid for no reason, but it's few and far between now and I see her give me a guilty look whenever she does do it, like she's been caught and she even goes so far as to try to make up for it when she sees I did catch it. Once she even said she was sorry and told Erica that she wasn't ugly, but very pretty.

The real point here is that she cares how I see her and wants me to respect her. Everything is not always perfect. We still have bad incidents every now and then, but they're nothing compared to before and usually pass in a few minutes time. She's making it easier on me now because I think she doesn't want me to leave and is genuinely enjoying our classes together.

When we went to the massage tonight I was pretty beat and didn't try to talk too much to her, which she isn't really used to. The more I pull back, the more she comes forward. It's an odd give and take. I forgot all about trying to communicate with her but it seems she didn't. I heard her make a few loud "ow" sounds and I looked up and asked her if she was okay. She uncovered her face and smiled at me. "I'm okay, thanks." She then leaned her head on her arm and looked at me. I went back to my massage. After awhile I picked my head back up (because I couldn't breathe) and she was still looking at me with this big smile. When our massages where done she jumped onto my massage bed and asked me to massage her shoulders because I was better at it and we hung out for a while until we had to go.

After the massage, we played a little, I made jokes and we walked home. She chatted with me about skin products and where I can buy good cheap clothes and then I started to walk to my apartment. She made a whimpering sound, so I turned around. She was giving a cute whine and extending her hand to me. "Don't go! I'll miss you!"
I immediately dropped into a full dramatic "Parting is such sweet sorrow" with all the cheesiness I could muster and we played out our little scene until Lisating started pulling her away. I called "goodnight" over my shoulder and reminded her to brush her teeth. She said she would and called out "I'll miss you!" again. It was cute and overblown but it left a smile on my face.

When I came home I gave her a call to make sure she got home okay.

Carina: "Wei, ni hao."
Me: "Hi Carina, it's me."
Carina: "Hi. What is it?"
Me: "I just wanted to make sure you got home safe."
Carina: "uh..I..oh. Yeah, I'm home."
Me: "Cool, see you tomorrow. Goodnight."
Carina: "Goodnight."
I started hanging up the phone and heard her say something.
Me: "What?"
Carina: "I said... you are good."
Me: "...Oh... thank you! So are you. See you tomorrow."

I didn't know what to say. She likes to insult people and follow up compliments with ghoulish faces and insults. She has never said anything close to that to anyone I have seen around her. It's a simple little sentence. "You are good." but it's a huge leap for a girl who seems petrified to let anyone near her or know that she just might care even a little.

I don't know what's going on with her father or if I might get fired soon, but I don't really care. I like changes in my life anyway, and I'm satisfied at this point that I've made an impact in this girls life which was something I had hoped for but didn't expect.

Andy told me earlier today that he respects that I'm making an effort with Carina instead of just looking at it like a day job and half-assing it. That's another cool note for the day.
I feel good tonight, and according to Carina; I am. :)