Recently, Carina lost a tennis match and her family has blamed it on everything from her English class taking up too much of her time to the racket and even that listening to too much music has caused her to forget her tennis. Because of this, they have asked me to bring down the pressure and remove all punishment from my classes. They have also asked me to make the class more fun and incorporate more games and less work. So I have done just that. We don't get as much classwork done, but Carina is talking, which is a huge improvement. That was always the biggest problem with her; getting her talking. It's the best way she can learn and practice and it shows me where her problems lie. But more than that: it has calmed her and something new is happening.
Lately, she has really opened up. She likes to talk to me about what she's worried about, what she really wants to do and is making a habit of bringing up new topics to talk about all on her own, confiding in me and wanting to hang out with me for longer periods of time.
Today I helped her put together her FaceBook account online. She ended up sitting on my lap, interchanging who typed out the information. Sometimes she would type it out and I'd make corrections, and other times, she would tell me what to write and I'd correct her speech.
In the middle of it while we were waiting for pictures to upload she asked me what kind of clothes I like and told me what her favorite brand names were in order of preference.
Near the end she said. "Okay, I go to sleep now." and laid her head on my shoulder, curling up on my lap. Coming from someone who used to feign hatred of me and refused to be near me, this is a huge change. I sang to her for a while and then she talked to me about babies and whether or not I wanted one.
I feel bad for this girl sometimes. It was hard to sympathize with her when she was being a brat, but I've gotten to know her better and I am beginning to understand her. Carina just wants to be loved really. I know that sounds cheesy and naive, but it's true. She rarely ever sees her mother and claims that she doesn't like her.
Her relationship with her father is strange at best. New things are always coming into the house; a new patio floor, a new couch that looks almost exactly the same as the last one, a slightly bigger bathtub, and a constant stream of tennis hats and clothing. Her father buys her what she wants and needs and tends to give in to what she asks for, but I think that's the majority of their relationship. Part of Carina's fighting attitude I think comes from her relationship with her dad. She rarely sees him or gets attention from him, but she's learned that if she's not happy, he looks at her long enough to buy her happiness or make the problem go away. I doubt she ever wanted a new bathtub, but when she brought up how small it was and that she didn't like it, she had his attention, and probably only pushed the subject because it worked so well to get him to talk to her. So now she has a new bathtub. The same probably happened with the couch. When the couch and bathtub came, she wasn't happy about it; she hardly even looked at it. It wasn't the couch that she was getting, because she already got what she wanted and that was her father's attention. So whining, complaining and demanding works for her relationship with her father and it's become habit. I don't think she likes it either.
She didn't want to like me. She tried everything she could not to and sometimes pretended not to like me but poorly like kids do, you know, the angry face with a hand covering a smile that keeps disobeying her.
I believe you have the power to create your own character and that defects are not put upon you but rather learned and developed by your willingness to let them go on, so she could have found another way, but she didn't. She got used to the arguing and screaming and crying because it brought results.
She's learning something else with me.
When she's nice and carying and open with me, I give back smiles and long conversations, gifts and praise. When she's patient and friendly, we have great days, and she feels great for it. When her friends come back home after a good class, she waltzes around the house and tries to lead the others in something fun. Today she told everyone to speak English and made a kind of game out of it. She brightens up and somehow seems larger when these days go well.
I don't think she has many friends, and she acts worried and sad when we talk about her family. She likes to talk about her grandmother but that's it. I was so angry and frustrated with her before because she gave nothing and never helped to make anything easier. What I didn't realize was that she was feinging strength with all that fighting to cover up the fact that she was so lonely and insecure.
The other day, she confided in me that she wants to learn how to play the violin. She likes tennis and that is important to her, but I wonder if her father knows that she has an interest in music. It has become her escape. She listens to music as often as she can, plugging in her ear buds and nodding to people when they talk at her.
Am I helping or getting in the way?
I don't know what her father will think of the new structure. It seems clear that Carina will be telling him that she likes class again, but whether or not that makes him happy, I'm no longer clear on. I know he gives her what she wants, but he also wants his money's worth and maybe he'll think we've gone too far with fun and will no longer see the value in it.
Where would I leave her then? She's let her guard down with me and has started to show care and friendship. She trusts me and wants to open up. I'd hate for her to learn that doing that makes people go away. I feel like this is a volatile sittuation. I'm not an expert on children or their disasociated fathers. Despite the problems in the beginning and everything that has happened, I can't pretend that I don't want to help this girl. She is strong in there. She's competitive and wants to be seen as a smart, beautiful and capable girl. She hates not being in-the-know and not being the controlling factor in a room. This could become a very positive thing for her if she learns how to use it and balance it with some humility. If she's not constantly battling for attention, she calms down and is quiet the lovely little girl. This Carina is nothing like the one I fought with for so long.
I'm at a loss here. The wonderful vibe with her is so strange and new from what it used to be like with her. If she keeps this up, I'll end up caring about her and I don't know what that would mean.
Erica (left) Carina (Right)
LisaTing (Left) Carina (Center) and Erica (right)
